Passion in the Sand
by Piri Lupin-Snape
Summary: A journal from the past sends Harry and Draco on an adventure they never expected ... and sends Severus and Remus down paths neither thought they'd ever travel on again ... AU HPDM, RLSS, others


I know I've been AWOL for a long, long time, sorry about that. I've been rather ill the past year and some, including having to have had several major surgeries. I'm in downtime at the moment from work and just about everything else, so figured this is a good time to catch up on things.

Far as this fic, please keep in mind it is slash - pairings are my usual favourites - Severus/Remus, Harry/Draco, and some others, though to be warned there is a slight mention of MPreg along the lines, so if that bothers you I apologise in advance but it was needed for one of the subplots of the story. Also as usual the fic is AU and will most likely not conform to anything far as newer canon events. Mainly because this is a re-write of a fic I started back in 2003, way before the last two books came out, hence the major AU turns in the story. Also, the first five chapters take place in Harry and co's seventh year, after that the story will do a major time warp back to the 2nd century AD, and from that point on, if all goes well and I can do more re-writes, the story will jump back and forth from present to past and so forth. I'll make sure to note when the fic jumps in time so you're well prepared for the time warps. At any rate, at the time I began writing this I spent a while doing research so it would be as "historically accurate" as possible for the time period. I hope you will enjoy what I've come up with though, and not shoot me for some of the plot twists and turns.

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**Chapter One: Misery Finds Strange Company**

Harry Potter was completely and utterly miserable. For everyone else there was plenty to be joyous about, by rights Harry should have been as well, but despite the joy round him he was still miserable. No matter what he did, he couldn't break out of his shell of depression and hopelessness, not that he'd tried very hard to do so.

Voldemort was finally defeated, which was the reason why everyone was celebrating round him. Just three short days ago Light met Dark in a final showdown, and the Light had won. Harry had been in training for two years for that day, and practise had paid off, however, prices had been paid. There had been a lot of deaths, mostly Voldemort's forces, however, there had been many on the side of Light that had suffered grave damages. In fact, the injured had actually outnumbered the death totals from both sides.

Sirius had been one of the people who'd suffered. He'd been injured badly in the final attack that had taken place at Malfoy Mansion. He'd lost an arm and a leg after all was said and done, but thanks to the wonders of Muggle medicines. Sirius was outfitted with versions of both, though only after several arguments. Sirius hadn't exactly liked the idea of wearing Muggle prosthetics, he didn't trust them in the least, but Harry convinced him to at least give it a chance. So far Sirius wasn't doing too badly with his new body parts, at least from what Harry could tell.

Sirius was also now a free man, which was another upside to things. Once Voldemort was gone the Minister of Magic finally cleared Sirius's name of all charges, and restore to him everything he'd lost during his years incarcerated in Azkaban. It had helped that Harry himself caught Peter; he'd been trying to avoid the Aurors by hiding in nooks at Malfoy Manor, but Harry had seen him and that was that. Peter was locked up in a non-magical, non-escapable cell at the Ministry awaiting trial, though it was only a formality.

None of that mattered to Harry at the moment though. The party that was going on in the Gryffindor common room seemed to have no signs of stopping. In fact, it had been going on for two days now, and frankly Harry was thoroughly ill from it. The first day he had accepted his "congratulations!" and "well dones!" gracefully, but after a day and half of those words he wanted no more part of them. He was tired of the praises and handshakes, now all they were was an irritation to him. The fact that not one of the people round him seemed to notice how miserable he was only made things worse on him.

From Harry's hiding spot in the corner of the commons he could see Ron and Hermione dancing together. He sighed at how right they looked in each others arms, how happy they were as they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes. Everything would go perfectly now for those two, Harry knew that already. With Ron's dad now the new right hand man of the Minister of Magic they'd have the money to do all the things they'd want to do, and Ron and Hermione were both assured good positions in the Ministry whenever they were ready.

He could also see Sirius dancing with the Muggle Studies teacher, a woman in her early forties, not all that good looking but passable. Sirius had a smile on his face as he was dancing, though Harry knew that beneath the smile was a man who'd seen his share of things, who had regrets, guilt, and pain that equalled his own. As he watched them, Harry suddenly picked up that Sirius was suddenly feeling awkward in the arms of the Muggle Studies teacher, though why that was Harry wasn't sure. He knew Sirius hadn't had any relations with a woman in a long time, but the way Sirius was dancing made Harry's mind wonder if there was more to things than appeared. Sirius had never discussed his years from the time he'd left Hogwarts to right before he went to Azkaban. The only thing he had once admitted to Harry was that he had been seeing someone before he'd been arrested, but he'd never said who. Thinking about his godfather's sex life made Harry blush, however, so he turned his attentions elsewhere.

Over in another area of the commons Harry noticed that Neville was dancing quite closely with Ginny as well. Harry grinned at that, grateful that Ginny had finally found happiness with Neville. They were well suited to each other Harry thought, and he hoped they would be together a long time. He also saw that Fred and George, who thanks to Harry had finally opened their joke shop in Hogsmeade, were even at the castle for the celebrations. They'd brought tons of gags and goodies from the shop, and everyone was having a grand time pulling pranks and whatnot. Everyone but Harry that was, who noticed that not one of his friends noticed he wasn't participating any longer in the party events.

Harry decided he'd had enough celebrating for one evening and managed to slip away unnoticed. He left the common room feeling grateful that the curfew restrictions weren't in place. There was no need for the curfew anymore, not with Voldemort's demise, plus the fact there was only a week left till the term would end. A week until Harry would leave Hogwarts for a new life, though that thought wasn't exactly cheering him up.

He wandered aimlessly for a little while, not caring where he ended up, just as long as it was away from Gryffindor Tower. He was surprised when he suddenly found himself in the Astronomy Tower, and right at the very top of it at that. Going into the classroom that housed the telescopes he made his way over to the window and sat down on the ledge, looking up at the night sky. He was startled when a few minutes later a series of chimes echoed round the room, and he counted twelve gongs – it was already Midnight. Another day gone by, with another day yet to come of parties and pretending to be happy and carefree. Though inside what he really felt was that it was just another day of pain and resentments, and of feeling alone and afraid of the future.

'Whoever said misery loves company was daft,' Harry muttered, his eyes still lingering on the glittering stars above him.

'Maybe that's because you're always with the wrong company,' a voice drawled.

Harry didn't flinch at the voice, nor did he even turn round to face the person who'd spoken. 'Oh, really … are you implying then that _you _are the right company?' he asked bitterly.

'Depends on what type of company you're looking for I suppose,' the person said and walked over to sit down on the ledge. 'What's the matter, Potter? Not enough people to keep praising you, or did all those idiots finally bore you to tears?' the boy said mockingly.

'Sod off, Malfoy,' Harry said and turned to face his nemesis. 'Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be at a funeral?'

Draco shrugged then glanced up at the stars. 'The funeral was today. I didn't go.'

'Why not?' Harry asked.

'It's simple really,' Draco said, and turned his gaze back to Harry. 'Why should I go and mourn the death of a man I hated?'

'He was still your father, Malfoy. Shouldn't you have at least respected him enough to have gone to his funeral?' Harry asked.

Draco snorted. 'Respect? Don't talk to me about respect, Potter,' he said.

'Why not?' Harry asked.

'You ask too many stupid questions,' Draco muttered. 'It doesn't matter any more if I respected him or not. He's dead, and now I inherit everything.'

'Including his ideas about killing me off?' Harry asked sullenly, and turned his gaze back to the stars.

'So I can end up in Azkaban for the rest of my life?' Draco drawled. 'Don't be an idiot, Potter, though I know that's hard for you. Unlike my father, I have better plans for what I want to do with my life.'

'Why are you here bothering me then? Go do them,' Harry grumbled.

'What, and give up a chance to torment you?' Draco smirked.

'Get it over with then so I can get back to what I was doing,' Harry said and turned to face Draco. 'Well? Go on, finish it, this may be your last chance to be the prat you usually are. Say what you will … I really don't care anymore. Have fun with it.'

'Why are you so eager to be taken down? Why are you so miserable when you should be on your knees grateful that the Dark Lord is gone once and for all?' he asked, and surprisingly, there was no malice or mockery was in his voice, just curiosity.

Harry turned his gaze away. 'You wouldn't understand. Look, just get it over with, say what you want to say, then leave me alone,' he said irritably.

Draco got up off the ledge and walked back to the doorway, shaking his head. 'No, don't think I will after all. It's not worth doing it if you're just going to take it and not fight back. Loses its flavour,' he shrugged. 'See you round, Potter. Oh, and I wouldn't jump if I were you, it's charmed so that you would just float back up. Besides, suicide isn't painless, contrary to what you may have heard.'

Harry turned quickly round in surprise, only to find Draco had already gone. _How did he know? _he thought to himself in shock. Harry didn't want to admit it, but that had been a thought in the back of his mind when he'd first sat down on the ledge and he'd realised he was in the perfect spot to do such a thing.

'Malfoy!' Harry called out then quickly got off the ledge and ran out of the classroom. Spotting the other boy down the corridor he called out again, 'Malfoy! Wait!'

Draco stopped and turned round, eyeing Harry warily. 'What is it now, Potter?'

'You tried to jump yourself, didn't you,' Harry said accusingly. 'That's how you know about the charm.'

Draco scowled and turned away from Harry's gaze. 'I don't know what you mean. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other things to do instead of chatting with you,' he said angrily.

As Draco turned away Harry grabbed his arm and twirled him back round to face him, looking deep into the other boy's eyes. 'Why, Malfoy? What could possibly make _you _want to do something like that?'

Draco shook his arm free, his grey eyes turning dark and stormy, yet not from anger but fear. 'Don't touch me, Potter! Just go away … leave me alone!' Draco hissed, and before Harry could grab him again he'd dashed down the corridor out of sight.

Harry stood there shaking his head, wondering what was going on. Draco was a lot of things, but this wasn't the Draco Malfoy that Harry knew all too well. This was someone who was scared of him, and that made Harry lean against the wall feeling cold, tired and very lost. Sliding himself down the wall he curled his knees up to his chest, allowing a few tears to cascade down his cheeks.

'_Seems that not even your enemy wants you anymore, hmm? You're wondering that if he doesn't then who will. The Dark Lord is gone now, you have no more purpose in life … or do you? Will you just become a name, a figure of history; someone that one day people will forget was even born? Are you a man with nothing to look forwards to now … no future … no past … no goals? Who are you now Harry Potter?'_

Harry looked up startled. 'Who … who said that?' he asked, a cold knot of apprehension forming in his stomach.

'_I'm right, you know I am. You think that you have nothing left … that if not even Draco Malfoy wants to parry with you, you'll end up being nothing more than a has been. You're scared, afraid of the day when your scar will no longer bring you fame and fortune … when you'll be alone with no one to help you … no one to love you …'_

'I never wanted all that in first place!' Harry said angrily, though he wasn't going to admit that part of those words was exactly how he really felt. 'How do you know this about me? What makes you think that you know me?'

'_I know you, Harry Potter. I know everything about you. I know you better than you know yourself …'_

'How? Tell me who you are!' Harry demanded.

'_I will … but not now. There is still hope for you, Harry … if you want there to be. Death is never a salvation; it only condemns you to worse fates. Seek out your answers in the library. Let your instincts guide you to find the right paths. If you can manage to help another with their own misguided paths then perhaps you can still save yourself and find the happiness you still seek …'_

'Help someone else?' Harry asked puzzled. 'I don't understand, help who? What am I looking for?'

The voice didn't speak again and Harry shook his head completely confused. 'What is going on here? What's at the library that I have to find?' he asked, though he received no answer.

Somehow, he got the feeling that whatever this voice wanted of him was something he needed to do. He didn't know why, but an overwhelming instinct knew that whatever this was, it wasn't a bad thing. How the voice had known how he had been feeling he wasn't sure, but it scared him. He really had been feeling those things, his depression and misery was because those were a few of his secret fears.

With Voldemort's demise what else was really left for him? He'd trained for years for the final battle, but now it was over. There was nothing more for him to do, and once he left Hogwarts he was going to go out into a world that would only use him to their advantage, for a while at any rate. Until the fancy wore off and "Harry Potter" no longer would be sought after for interviews or photos. When the world would write his history and then eventually forget him, and he'd be left alone. Anyone that he would try to have a relationship with would only want to be with him because of his fame and fortune. How would Harry know if anyone would really want him for just being himself?

Harry started to make his way down towards the library thinking about all of this, but as he got to the first floor something else got in his way. Hearing voices he hid behind a suit of armour, and as the voices got closer he could now make out who it was speaking.

'… isn't my concern, Lupin.'

'He's one of your students, Severus, I would think it is yourconcern,' Remus said in agitation

'I am fully aware of the fact he is one of my students, just as he is a student of every other professor in this school,' Severus snapped.

'Yes, but none of them notice what's going on. They're all too wrapped up in the celebrations,' Remus said.

'Look, if this is how he is choosing to deal with things, there is nothing Ican do about it,' Severus said irritably.

'Severus, it's clear that he is suffering, you can't be so blind as not to notice it!' Remus said heatedly.

Severus turned and glared at Remus that much Harry could see from his hiding place. 'What I see and what I can do about it are two different things. I will not interfere with the boy; I couldn't even if I wanted to.'

'You certainly can, you just choose not to,' Remus argued. 'You know what he's going through, you can help him. Talk to him … give him some advice.'

'He would no more take advice from me than he would have from the Dark Lord himself,' Severus said. 'For God's sake, must you keep harping on this subject? I wish to retire to my rooms and not have the rest of my evening filled with your incessant ramblings. I have no interest in anything further you have to say, Lupin. Good night,' he said coldly then turned and began to walk away.

Remus sighed. 'You once listened to what I had to say, Severus,' he said in a sad voice that Harry had to strain to hear. Harry could see the dour Potion's Professor stop and visibly tense at those words, though he was surprised that at the distance Snape was from Remus he had still managed to hear what Remus said.

Turning round slowly, Severus said in a low voice, 'I was a fool to listen to your excuses back then, I will not make that same mistake twice. It's your fault, you took him back even though he tried to kill me, and send you to Azkaban. We both know he wasn't out to scare us that night, he was out for blood - our blood, and you let him get away with it. Just leave me alone, Lupin, I don't want to see you again if at all possible!' With saying that he turned on his heel and swept off down the corridor, and Harry got the strange feeling that the man was running away more than just leaving.

Harry then looked at Remus who was watching Severus go, a lost expression on his face. 'Oh, Severus … when will you stop blaming me for Sirius' jealousies? When will you remember that you made me a promise once … one that I still want you to keep?' he said so softly that Harry wasn't sure he'd even heard the words. Then he too turned round and walked off in the opposite direction, the one that Harry knew led back towards the guest rooms that Remus and Sirius were staying in.

Harry came round the suit of armour wondering what all that was about. He had known there was no love between the two men, but that snippet of conversation confused him. In some respects it almost sounded as if once the two of them weren't always enemies, but what did Sirius have to do with it all? Oh, he knew all about the prank played on Snape back when Remus and Sirius were sixteen, but Sirius swore he'd only meant to scare Snape, yet this new information wasn't the version he'd heard previously.

_What did Sirius have to be jealous about that he'd want to kill Snape and send Remus to Azkaban? And what promise did Snape make to Remus? _Harry thought.

Since he knew he wasn't going to get any answers to those questions, he continued on his journey to the library. When he got there he wasn't sure anymore what to do. He wondered if the voice had just been his own internal fears speaking, but as he began to wander through the bookshelves he felt something pulling him. It led him to the very back of the library, and when he got there he wasn't alone.

'Malfoy? What are you doing here?' Harry asked.

Draco jumped and turned round quickly as Harry spoke, stiffening as he saw his rival. 'What are you doing here, Potter?' he replied.

'I asked you first,' Harry said and crossed his arms over his chest.

'I'm not doing anything, other than leaving,' he said and turned to go.

Harry could see something wasn't right though; Draco was nervous, something that again he wasn't accustomed to seeing from the silver-haired boy. Before Draco could get more than a few steps he asked, 'Were you told to come here?'

Draco stopped then turned round slowly. 'Were you?' he asked.

'I asked you first,' Harry said eyeing Draco warily.

'Are you going to keep playing this childish game of "I asked you first", Potter?' Draco retorted.

Harry sighed. 'Fine. Yes, I was told to come here. I don't know why or who told me to, but here I am. Now, did someone tell you to come here or not?'

Draco debated the question then sighed and nodded his head. 'Yes, I was told to come here. What does it mean though?'

Harry shook his head. 'I don't know, but I'm curious what I'm supposed to find.'

'I think whatever it is, _we _are supposed to find it together,' Draco said. 'Not that I want to be spending time with you. Maybe I'm dreaming this?' he asked.

Harry snorted. 'If you are then I am too, and believe me, dreaming about youisn't at the top of my nightly list of priorities, Malfoy.'

'You're just so witty tonight aren't you, Potter,' Draco drawled. 'Look, let's just find whatever this thing is and get it over with. The less time I have to spend with you the better.'

'Agreed,' Harry nodded and turned his attention to the bookshelves. 'I don't know why, but I get the idea whatever it is … it's somewhere on this particular shelf,' he said and looked at the one in front of him.

Draco looked at the shelf that Harry was looking at and something caught his attention. Reaching up he took out a small black leather book with faded gold script writing on the front. 'Bingo,' Draco said triumphantly.

'Bingo?' Harry asked.

'Yeah, it's a Muggle game that my mum used to play. It's also an expression that means … err … well I'm not sure really, but Mum used to use it a lot when she'd find something important,' Draco shrugged, 'Though why the hell I'm telling you this I don't know. Anyway, I think this is what we were supposed to find,' he said and held out the book.

Harry took the book and went over to where a lit candle sat inside a large stone pillar. Reading the cover of the small book he gave out a low whistle. 'This can't be it, Malfoy!' he exclaimed.

'Yes it is,' Draco said and came over to where Harry was standing to read what Harry had seen. 'Oh good God, you're right, this can'tbe it!'

'No … wait … yes … I mean … this is what we were supposed to find … I think it is anyway,' Harry said.

'Potter, are you daft? What will this thing do for us?' Draco asked and took the book from Harry. Holding onto it tightly he then looked back at Harry and said, 'You're right, this is the book.'

Harry nodded. 'Yeah. Well … open it.'

'What? No!' Draco said and shook his head. 'I was told to only find it … not read the thing!'

Harry gazed up into the air and muttered under his breath. 'Honestly, Malfoy, how are you supposed to help whomever it is you're supposed to help if you don't read it?' he said irritably.

Draco stared at Harry in shock. 'H-How … how did you know about that?' he stammered.

'Because you're here and … well … I'm guessing that you were told the same thing I was. That if you want answers … if you wanted to be saved … you'd have to help someone,' he said quietly.

'I must be in hell,' Draco groaned. 'Why would anyone tell us to help someone else just so we could be saved? That's if we even wanted to be saved!' he grumbled.

'All right, so maybe we both don't really want to be saved, but what alternatives do we have?'

'You were ready to die not long ago if I recall,' Draco said.

'You already tried to beat me to that, if I recall correctly,' Harry shot back.

'Sod off,' Draco muttered.

'Look, I don't like this anymore than you do, but since dying isn't an option … yet anyway … at least let's give this route a try. If it doesn't work then all we did was waste a few more minutes out of our already horrible lives,' Harry said.

'All right, Potter, you have a point. You open it though,' Draco said and handed the book back to Harry.

Harry took the book from Draco and looked down at the cover once more. 'Why do I get the feeling that we are about to invade something really personal?' he asked.

'Maybe because it's someone's private journal?' Draco drawled. 'Sheesh, just read it already!'

'All right, all right, stop nagging,' Harry said, then ignoring the feelings of invasion he opened the book, not even realising he was holding his breath. He had good reason to fear journals, especially after that fiasco with Voldemort's journal in second year. Harry didn't get any bad feelings about this book though, other then the fact it felt odd to read it since he knew the person whose name was on it.

'Well?' Draco asked.

'Well what?' Harry replied.

'What does it say?' Draco asked.

Harry put the book closer to the light then read out loud:

'October 31st, 1976. This is the private property of Remus J Lupin. … Wait, there's other things written on the page too …

_Hands off! This means you Sirius! – Remus_

_What, don't you trust me Moony? I'm offended! - Padfoot_

_About as much as I trust a pit-bull in heat … now hands off or else! – Remus_

_Oh, leave him alone Padfoot after all it's his journal. I'll make you a magical lock for this thing Moony. – Prongs_

_Want me to nibble Sirius' books for you Remus? I will if you want me to. - Peter_

_Thanks Peter, but no. Don't want McGonagall to give you detention for destruction of school property or something. - Remus_

_Hey … wait … wouldn't I be the one who'd get the detention for that if it's my books he chewed up? - Sirius_

_True … hey Peter? Chew away! - Remus_

_Mmm … breakfast! Thanks Remus! - Peter_

_Ha! You get what you deserve Padfoot old boy. - James_

_Fine, fine I get the point … I'll stay out of this stupid thing. Besides, I can see how boring it's going to be already … "Dear journal - Last night I howled at the moon" or "Dear journal - Today me and my secret lover went behind the broom-shed and –" (it trails off into scribbles there as if it was being pulled away by someone) _

_Sirius I'm warning you! Hands and eyes out of my book! Don't make me hex you again! - Remus_

_He's right Sirius you were in Hospital for a week last time he hexed you. - Peter_

_Oh, all right, I'm out of here … come on James let's do a kitchen raid, I'm peckish! Night Moony … have fun with your ramblings … - Padfoot_

_Night Moony, Happy Birthday! - James_

_Night Remus, have fun with your new journal … and Happy Birthday! - Peter_

_Whew, finally they're gone. Anyway … this is my personal journal – me being Remus John Lupin, sixth-year Hogwarts student. I hope that no one ever reads this … especially Sirius. I don't know what I'd do if he ever found out the truth. Mum knows the real reason why I'm suffering so badly lately, which is why she thought I could use something like this journal. She understands that what I think and feel is too forbidden to be said aloud, and she's right. If I didn't have a way to release my fears, hopes, and dreams I would go batty though I think, so I will put on these pages all the words from my heart and soul … everything that makes me who I am … and who I hope to be someday … _


End file.
